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Dear Diary

I guess people spend a whole lifetime trying to find out who they truly are, and at least who they wanna be in life, when I imagine my life I see a blur... nothing comes to mind, maybe it's because I know that almost everything I want out of life is impossible, and I can't keep hoping it might come true one day, what I love about my life is that when ever I read a book or see a movie and realize that maybe there is that 1% of chance that I might find that kind of love one day, but with everyday passing and me experiencing I am losing hope... there isn't really that kind of love is there? a someone who will wanna love me for me and not for what I look like or what he would get from me or what I would be willing to do for him, it's crazy how many people use each other, I mean when ever I come across some sort of people and realize that they are doing something I would never do to someone I understand the fact that it's probably the reason I feel like such an outsider in a room full of people who pretend to like me, I used to love reading books about love and ever lasting crazy romance between two people who will never be able to be together but at the end find a way and actually do it, but now I am just hoping that a person would chose me and love me and be with me for (me). 
 

Dear Diary

I guess people spend a whole lifetime trying to find out who they truly are, and at least who they wanna be in life, when I imagine my life I see a blur... nothing comes to mind, maybe it's because I know that almost everything I want out of life is impossible, and I can't keep hoping it might come true one day, what I love about my life is that when ever I read a book or see a movie and realize that maybe there is that 1% of chance that I might find that kind of love one day, but with everyday passing and me experiencing I am losing hope... there isn't really that kind of love is there? a someone who will wanna love me for me and not for what I look like or what he would get from me or what I would be willing to do for him, it's crazy how many people use each other, I mean when ever I come across some sort of people and realize that they are doing something I would never do to someone I understand the fact that it's probably the reason I feel like such an outsider in a room full of people who pretend to like me, I used to love reading books about love and ever lasting crazy romance between two people who will never be able to be together but at the end find a way and actually do it, but now I am just hoping that a person would chose me and love me and be with me for (me). 
 

people change?

lately I have been struggling with the fact that I need to change, because I don't usually show people the real me, I hide and pretend to be different and nice so they'd like me, I think that's because I have been through a lot of changes through out the past and I just stopped trying to show people who I am, I mean why try and at the end of the day realize that you are all alone? I don't really know how to explain it but it's this feeling that why bother when none of them is going to get it? or get me? that's why I can't wait until next year I will finally turn 18 and just stop this whole you are kid thing! because i have stopped acting like a kid way way back, I get to be free from my parents even though they do give me my space it's still different to be an adult all by your self, and I think it's all I need to be considered and adult enough with this whole teenager thing! enough with girl drama and friend drama and just move on with my life and meet new people and start going after my dreams... I can't wait for that to happen and it's only a couple of months away.. it feel like forever though! 
Dear time..... please go faster!!! 

Maybe :)

Hey guys, so lately I seriously have been thinking about giving up on this whole (I wanna be better) thing I've been trying to reach, because no matter how hard I try I have been failing every time, and because I am going through this all alone it's making it a lot more difficult for me to handle, but here I am today and I'm still trying and wishing I reach the point that I am satisfied with, yesterday I saw this girl, she's a friend of a friend, and I looked at how beautiful she was, and how thin she was! I mean she was too thin! and all I can think about is the fact that I wanna be just like her! I wanna be able to reach that point even if it's stupid and  unhealthy which I know it is by the way !
still I mean I wanna be able to like my body and how I want it to look right? Maybe just maybe I still have some hope in me! 

Day 5# NOT NORMAL

Okay, so today is day 5 and it was the most horrible day ever! 
I threw up twice, I haven't eaten anything all day, my head is about to explode and I have to pull an all nighter because I have a final exam tomorrow and I am not even close to being ready for it! 
everyday I wake up saying it's going to be different everyday I wake up saying it's going to be a good day and everyday I end up feeling so bad about myself, and about the fact that I am not normal, Normal people don't do this to themselves! normal people go out and have fun and enjoy themselves! I AM NOT NORMAL! 
I keep myself down all the time, I never think I am good enough to do anything! and right now I am so alone and so worried about my life and passing my exams and making everyone around feel like nothing is wrong with me! 
this is not normal for a 17 year old girl is it? 

Day 3+4#

Hey guys :) 
so Day 3 and day 4 were not good days, I feel emotionally tired and sad for some reason, I am having these mood swings! I cant keep up with my moods anymore haha that sounds crazy but true! I mean one moment I am okay and the next I'm crying and the next I can't stop laughing, people around me are going like what the hell is wrong with her! :O!! I can't get a handle on my life anymore! I CAN'T CHANGE! I feeeel alone and confused about everything! 
I feel like I'm surrounding myself with lies when I say I'm going to change! 
god! people go through really painful stuff all over the world and I'm here being confused and worried about the fact that I seriously don't know who I am anymore! 

Day #2

Hello people :)
so today was day number two with this whole new healthy kinda life style I'm trying to to go on, and honestly like every time I want to eat something its like this voice in my mind keeps telling me you're going to gain weight if you eat this or if you eat that, so today I still haven't eaten anything since breakfast and the day is almost over and my body feels like crap, about 4 months ago I went on this liquid diet, have you ever heard of it? 
it's this diet that you have to stop eating anything solid for like 47 days, I went on it for about 7 days, and I lost about 4 kg, and I still haven't gained them since, because I am the type to lose weight and gain it fast after, but I haven't gained it back yet, and its like since then I have developed this thought that I'm only going to lose weight if I stopped eating.. so lately I can't keep anything in and even if I eat something and end up not throwing it up 15 mins later I end up feeling guilty all day long, any advice about food? HELP ! 

Day #1 BABY STEPS

Hello again, so as i mentioned before today was the first day of me trying to change my life style, honestly it wasn't as I wanted it to be, but it could have been worse you know? baby steps right? 
today I spent almost all day preparing for my finals, I feel mentally exhausted and tired and all I can think about is the fact that I'm planning to pull an all-nighter today, isn't it kinda funny that things almost never turn out as you expect them to be? or in my case they never do, its very frustrating sometimes, because I'm the kinda person that has a lot of dreams and hopes and I kinda wish for a lot of things to happen, and almost every time it never works out, I kinda lost hope for a while there, and now its like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel again, it feels good that I'm trying again I wish I could start trying to trust others too, well one step at a time for now.. 
sometimes we all just need someone to understand what we go through and what we need to get through it all :) 
I wish I would find that person... if you're out there, it would be great to meet you... :P 
Good night people <3

Every day is another chance to turn it all around.

Hello, I guess this is my first time trying this.. the whole sharing my feelings with the world thing
firstly my name is Rose and I am 17 years old, and I'm a senior at high school... 
a couple of years back I went through so many changes in my life that made me stop showing people who I truly am, and start putting all my frustration into food, and sometimes it almost feels like I can't stop, until about a year ago, I started making myself throw up all the food I ate, and starve myself to the point of headaches and really bad mood changes, until i started reading all these Bulimia articles and realize there were others like me, who go through the same pain I go through and even worse, and honestly the worst pain of them all is looking myself in the mirror and hating myself for all of the food I ate, and putting myself down because I don't like the way my body looks, and honestly looking at it now I only have about two choices, it's either I change my life style or I live the rest of my like feeling bad about the fact that I could have changed but I chose not to, I heard this thing in a movie... (Every day is another chance to turn it all around) and starting today this is me turning things around I guess, Wish me luck  


1-9 of 9 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Dear Diary, posted December 18th, 2013
Dear Diary, posted December 18th, 2013
people change?, posted January 14th, 2013
Maybe :), posted December 12th, 2012
Day 5# NOT NORMAL, posted December 5th, 2012
Day 3+4#, posted December 4th, 2012
Day #2, posted December 2nd, 2012, 2 comments
Day #1 BABY STEPS, posted December 1st, 2012, 2 comments
Every day is another chance to turn it all around., posted November 30th, 2012

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